The Leaving

It was the day when I had to leave my city and move in into a new city for further studies. I had to leave at 5 in the morning and it was already 3 when all the packing was left and my hands still felt so heavy with the feeling of the leaving. My hands didn’t want me to complete the packing and leave this city which gave me you. I was crying whole night but even the tears couldn’t make me feel any lighter and even with the eyes shedding blood I couldn’t make you stop me. I couldn’t make time revert back to the day I moved into this city and met you. I was moving lethargically from one corner of the room to another without any idea of what I was doing. I was tensed with the feeling of the leaving and even at the time of winters cold chilly nights, I was sweating.

It was half an hour less from the time of leaving and I was still sitting here on my bed revelling in his thoughts and my memories with him. While I was lost in my thoughts I felt someones hand on my shoulders and some whispering in my ears. I heard someone telling me to get up and complete my packing and go to accomplish that one thing I wanted in life. I turned my face and saw him sitting beside me on the bed whispering in my ears. His lips touching my skin made me feel more warm and I looked into his eyes. He took my hands and helped me get up from the bed. I just kept on following him in the room and packed my stuff. I was totally unaware of what was happening because somewhere inside I knew that he wasn’t real and it was only my imaginations and my feelings that were making me feel so close to him. It was 5 and my cab was there to take me to the airport. I left my place with all the memories packed inside my heart and these feelings were making my heart so heavy that it could have sunk deep inside in the depth of these memories.

I was on my way to the airport when I could feel the distance increasing and I felt the anguish and the loneliness seeping in slowly and slowly. The roads kept on distancing and soon I was too far from you. I kept on looking outside the window and the wind kept on piercing my skin and my hair got tangled. The tangling reminded me how my life had got tangled all around you wrapping you up all in my care and love. I could watch the trees pass by, so quickly like the times that I had spent with you passed by. Soon I had to leave the city and go to some other city leaving you behind, leaving every moment that I spent with you behind me, behind time. The heavy and depressing rains of time took their toll on me and you and even after wanting to wait back neither could I stay back nor could u hold me back.  On the way I saw many coffee stores, tea stores, malls and everything, every bit of it reminded me of the times I had spent with you. I wish I could stay back. I was soon approaching the airport but my heart was stuck with you, my soul not wanting to go any farther. The times had made me so addicted of you, mixed in my blood you were soon like the drops of wine that my blood can never be totally free of. The essence of your presence in my life is the most beautiful thing that can ever exist. Soon it started to rain and it was like God was trying to hide my tears within the rain drops.  I kept on seeing the running clouds and saw them meeting new clouds and getting separated from the older ones every minute. It made me think of how would the clouds feel when a part of them gets disconnected and separated from them and they have to make their way with the new ones. Is it why the clouds cry and give us rain? I kept on asking myself these questions that could answer my separation from you and justify my tears. I was all engrossed watching the rains when I saw someone standing in the middle of the fields and I could see him waving hands to me. I was wondering if I was a day dream or I was actually seeing his illusions now. He had, no doubt, casted a deep impact on me and my nature. I was so deeply lost into him that I could think of nothing else but him. I saw him waving and unknowingly I waved him back without even realising that I was waving hands to no one. No one was there in those fields. It was all in my sub-conscious mind that was making me see you waving bye to me. I saw the clouds running above in the sky. The dark clouds loaded with water, running towards you in the direction opposite to me. Suddenly I felt how lucky the clouds were as they were going to meet you and make you wet in the same rains that today were not seeming enough to wash away my sorrows and loneliness.

I always loved the moments that I had with you. The way I used to be myself. And now everything is going to change and I would no longer get your hands holding my hands. I kept on thinking about all the moments but the distance never seemed to decrease but kept on increasing between you and me. I was looking at the trees and I saw how the roots kept the whole tree upstanding. It reminded me of how you held me every time I was about to fall, how u watered my soul and blossomed me. Leaving you behind me was the hardest thing I was doing in my life. I want to hold u back with me. I never imagined the leaving would be so difficult for me and for you as well. The mornings and the days we spent together wasn’t enough to collect all of u within me so that I can easily make my way away from you, cherishing all the memories that you gave me. The cups of tea I used to have with you will remind me every time I will hold a cup in my hands. The rain drops will keep on reminding me of the times when we used to soak ourselves in these drops and keep on looking into each others eyes. The sky above me will keep on reminding me of the times when we used to continuously look at the sky and form images in the clouds and laugh at the imaginations.

The airport kept on nearing and you became farther and farther from me. I wish I could keep my heart with you and only the body could leave the town. I didn’t want to go, something inside me kept on shouting this to me but I felt so helpless. I have to leave, I replied this to myself and made peace with the decision. But the peace was neither soothing nor relaxing. The restlessness kept on coming back to me again and again. The feeling of something inside of me wanting to get back to you. The feeling of seeing you one more time. I could hear you saying come back to me Aisha. I could hear you say one more time come back to me. I just feel now that one day I will again meet you and then my soul will come back to me. I feel like a soulless creature whose soul is there inside you. But I don’t know when this rain will come to me to fulfil my thirst for you. I wish you could come from that field running towards me and take my hands, hold them tightly and just say once that you will be there. You are my destiny waiting for me my dear and it will always be you. I may be covering so many milestones in between, you will always be the centre of my destiny focused to the point to where I can go. The day I understood love was the day you came into my life. I was continuously imaging myself in your arms fearing of when the next time would come. I was so afraid to even think whether I would even meet you again or not. It made me so afraid that I was almost shivering with fear. The rain became more aggressive and it made me more afraid. The drops hitting the windows of the car and the noises going into my ears resonating with the noise inside me. It was like a flood both inside me and outside me. I tried to capture moments with you at the end of our days together thinking of when again would life give me those moments. I wanted to cry a lot that day. I didn't want to think of the next time I would be able to shed these tears of love for you. I missed you so much.  It was all echoing in my head and then I heard a voice of my mom calling my name and asking me where I was lost. I looked around and there was no one in those fields. It was like I was in a dream where I was reliving moments with you. I found tears on my cheeks and my face had turned pale. It was like with the distances between you and me, the colour of my face was fading away.

I soon was on the airport and after checking in my luggage I was there standing in the middle of all the partings and separations. I saw some people leaving their loved ones and going away and some coming to meet their loved ones. Life is all about separations and reunions after all.

To be continued…