The Leaving

It was the day when I had to leave my city and move in into a new city for further studies. I had to leave at 5 in the morning and it was already 3 when all the packing was left and my hands still felt so heavy with the feeling of the leaving. My hands didn’t want me to complete the packing and leave this city which gave me you. I was crying whole night but even the tears couldn’t make me feel any lighter and even with the eyes shedding blood I couldn’t make you stop me. I couldn’t make time revert back to the day I moved into this city and met you. I was moving lethargically from one corner of the room to another without any idea of what I was doing. I was tensed with the feeling of the leaving and even at the time of winters cold chilly nights, I was sweating.

It was half an hour less from the time of leaving and I was still sitting here on my bed revelling in his thoughts and my memories with him. While I was lost in my thoughts I felt someones hand on my shoulders and some whispering in my ears. I heard someone telling me to get up and complete my packing and go to accomplish that one thing I wanted in life. I turned my face and saw him sitting beside me on the bed whispering in my ears. His lips touching my skin made me feel more warm and I looked into his eyes. He took my hands and helped me get up from the bed. I just kept on following him in the room and packed my stuff. I was totally unaware of what was happening because somewhere inside I knew that he wasn’t real and it was only my imaginations and my feelings that were making me feel so close to him. It was 5 and my cab was there to take me to the airport. I left my place with all the memories packed inside my heart and these feelings were making my heart so heavy that it could have sunk deep inside in the depth of these memories.

I was on my way to the airport when I could feel the distance increasing and I felt the anguish and the loneliness seeping in slowly and slowly. The roads kept on distancing and soon I was too far from you. I kept on looking outside the window and the wind kept on piercing my skin and my hair got tangled. The tangling reminded me how my life had got tangled all around you wrapping you up all in my care and love. I could watch the trees pass by, so quickly like the times that I had spent with you passed by. Soon I had to leave the city and go to some other city leaving you behind, leaving every moment that I spent with you behind me, behind time. The heavy and depressing rains of time took their toll on me and you and even after wanting to wait back neither could I stay back nor could u hold me back.  On the way I saw many coffee stores, tea stores, malls and everything, every bit of it reminded me of the times I had spent with you. I wish I could stay back. I was soon approaching the airport but my heart was stuck with you, my soul not wanting to go any farther. The times had made me so addicted of you, mixed in my blood you were soon like the drops of wine that my blood can never be totally free of. The essence of your presence in my life is the most beautiful thing that can ever exist. Soon it started to rain and it was like God was trying to hide my tears within the rain drops.  I kept on seeing the running clouds and saw them meeting new clouds and getting separated from the older ones every minute. It made me think of how would the clouds feel when a part of them gets disconnected and separated from them and they have to make their way with the new ones. Is it why the clouds cry and give us rain? I kept on asking myself these questions that could answer my separation from you and justify my tears. I was all engrossed watching the rains when I saw someone standing in the middle of the fields and I could see him waving hands to me. I was wondering if I was a day dream or I was actually seeing his illusions now. He had, no doubt, casted a deep impact on me and my nature. I was so deeply lost into him that I could think of nothing else but him. I saw him waving and unknowingly I waved him back without even realising that I was waving hands to no one. No one was there in those fields. It was all in my sub-conscious mind that was making me see you waving bye to me. I saw the clouds running above in the sky. The dark clouds loaded with water, running towards you in the direction opposite to me. Suddenly I felt how lucky the clouds were as they were going to meet you and make you wet in the same rains that today were not seeming enough to wash away my sorrows and loneliness.

I always loved the moments that I had with you. The way I used to be myself. And now everything is going to change and I would no longer get your hands holding my hands. I kept on thinking about all the moments but the distance never seemed to decrease but kept on increasing between you and me. I was looking at the trees and I saw how the roots kept the whole tree upstanding. It reminded me of how you held me every time I was about to fall, how u watered my soul and blossomed me. Leaving you behind me was the hardest thing I was doing in my life. I want to hold u back with me. I never imagined the leaving would be so difficult for me and for you as well. The mornings and the days we spent together wasn’t enough to collect all of u within me so that I can easily make my way away from you, cherishing all the memories that you gave me. The cups of tea I used to have with you will remind me every time I will hold a cup in my hands. The rain drops will keep on reminding me of the times when we used to soak ourselves in these drops and keep on looking into each others eyes. The sky above me will keep on reminding me of the times when we used to continuously look at the sky and form images in the clouds and laugh at the imaginations.

The airport kept on nearing and you became farther and farther from me. I wish I could keep my heart with you and only the body could leave the town. I didn’t want to go, something inside me kept on shouting this to me but I felt so helpless. I have to leave, I replied this to myself and made peace with the decision. But the peace was neither soothing nor relaxing. The restlessness kept on coming back to me again and again. The feeling of something inside of me wanting to get back to you. The feeling of seeing you one more time. I could hear you saying come back to me Aisha. I could hear you say one more time come back to me. I just feel now that one day I will again meet you and then my soul will come back to me. I feel like a soulless creature whose soul is there inside you. But I don’t know when this rain will come to me to fulfil my thirst for you. I wish you could come from that field running towards me and take my hands, hold them tightly and just say once that you will be there. You are my destiny waiting for me my dear and it will always be you. I may be covering so many milestones in between, you will always be the centre of my destiny focused to the point to where I can go. The day I understood love was the day you came into my life. I was continuously imaging myself in your arms fearing of when the next time would come. I was so afraid to even think whether I would even meet you again or not. It made me so afraid that I was almost shivering with fear. The rain became more aggressive and it made me more afraid. The drops hitting the windows of the car and the noises going into my ears resonating with the noise inside me. It was like a flood both inside me and outside me. I tried to capture moments with you at the end of our days together thinking of when again would life give me those moments. I wanted to cry a lot that day. I didn't want to think of the next time I would be able to shed these tears of love for you. I missed you so much.  It was all echoing in my head and then I heard a voice of my mom calling my name and asking me where I was lost. I looked around and there was no one in those fields. It was like I was in a dream where I was reliving moments with you. I found tears on my cheeks and my face had turned pale. It was like with the distances between you and me, the colour of my face was fading away.

I soon was on the airport and after checking in my luggage I was there standing in the middle of all the partings and separations. I saw some people leaving their loved ones and going away and some coming to meet their loved ones. Life is all about separations and reunions after all.

To be continued…

Yet Again !!

It was three at night and I was sleeping peacefully in my bed. Suddenly I got a call on my phone. It was from an unknown number and suddenly I felt a sudden rush of fear down my veins. It was him calling me. I was shocked. He had called me after so many years. It was long back when I had listened to his voice. I said "hello" and in reply he just said "kahan ho tum pagal, jaldi se aa jao. Mei teri city ke station pe hun". Listening him I was completely spell bound. I couldn’t say anything. I just hung up the phone and kept on looking at the blank screen of my phone trying to digest what had just happened in the past 2 minutes. I got up from the bed with shaking hands fearing what could have happened that he showed up suddenly after so many days. His phone call brought back every memory I had of him and us. It was a flood inside me trying to drown me all of a sudden. I cursed him in my mind but yet I loved him so much that I couldn’t resist myself from getting up from the bed and rushing up to go to him. It was three and I was afraid of sneaking out of my house. But yet I somehow managed to slip out without anyone noticing me. Meanwhile I was at the gate my brother saw me sneaking out and I had to convince him not to tell mom about this stupidity of mine. Many thoughts were flooding my mind and the thought that occupied me most was why he was here. Why after so many years has he come back and called me at this time of night. At once I felt so foolish because I was again doing the same mistake I did back then when he left me. I suddenly felt a chill and a part of me wanted to return back but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to meet him for he has called me. There was a time when he meant everything to me. He left me alone here and yet again I was here today standing at the same point where he had left me. After he was gone I always convinced myself of having forgotten him completely. But these few minutes have made me realize that I was still there where he left. I felt as if I was waiting for him to come back somewhere inside. I kept on walking in the dark night on the silent road. It was cold and humid. I could feel the air rushing against my face and making my face go pale. The darkness and the silence made me more afraid thinking of what could have happened to him. And in a second I found an increase in my walking pace. I was out of breath but my legs couldn’t stop. I tried to divert my mind but his face didn’t leave my sight. I convinced myself that I have forgotten him but yet again even an image of his smile could made me smile. He had left the city long back after the college was over. We were in the same college doing our gradation together. He was my sole best friend there.

I still remember the day he walked into my life. I had just joined college and he was my senior there. Since my school I was always excited about ragging in colleges and since I joined a college that had banned ragging and was running an anti-ragging movement, I was always a bit disheartened that I would not be able to experience ragging in my life. So life was going on slowly and it was boring in college. Everyone was always busy in assignments and lectures, libraries and labs while away from all this I was busy in my own world of fulfilling all my dreams and adventures. Being a girl, sitting on the last bench of classroom and yawning at the face of a professor, getting thrown out of the lecture, reaching late to labs, bunking classes in between and sleeping on the front seat, I couldn’t get away unnoticed from all the students of the college. All of a sudden, against the reputation of a normal first year student, I was very popular among students. I had an habit of roaming around in college putting earphones in my ear and tapping my feet on the music like the surroundings don’t even existed.

I remember the day I first met him. It was 6 in the evening and I was sitting on a bench at the side of the roads in my college. It had been raining all the time that day and I was sitting under the shade enjoying the rains. Suddenly the rain started pouring very heavily and the visibility almost reduced to zero. I could hardly see any one on the road behind the heavily pouring drops. It was noisy all of a sudden. I increased the volume of my i-pod because of the noise made by the raindrops. While I was busy in appreciating the scenic beauty of nature and the shades that god can create in his own ways, I saw him approaching towards me running hard as he could. He was trying to run fast but the rain was making it difficult for him. As he entered the shade, he was all wet already. His face shining brightly with the light scattered by the rain drops on his face that looked like pearls and thousands of small diamonds shimmering and adding to his beauty. The wet hair sticking to his forehead made him look so handsome that I could have sat there and kept on seeing him the whole day. I started looking down on the floor. As he approached towards me I pretended to be busy in my songs. He came and sat beside me. Not to my surprise, but he was already knowing my name and all details about me. He greeted hi to me and we started talking. I was always fond of talking and in some time I found myself and him deeply engaged in laughter and jokes. He was a funny guy indeed. He was the first guy I have talked to for so long after coming to college. There was an instant bonding with him with almost the same interest and almost same contribution in humor to our talks. Without our noticing the rain had already stopped and now it was just a slow, swift breeze blowing with a sweet smell of wet earth. There we were standing under a colorful rainbow that the rains had left for making our first meeting more beautiful. Nature sure has its own way of making life and moments memorable. While talking to him I never realized that he was my senior, he being totally conscious about my being a first year. He was three years senior to me and I couldn’t make out any of it while talking to him. He was just like me, free and independent, humorous and in love with life. I went back all the way thinking about him. In my life, it was the first time I made some random friend. I was happy. There was a sweet little smile on my face while I was walking back to my place. All the things we talked about kept on repeating in my mind and the smile sometimes turned into laughter and my brother saw me laughing, thinking over something and got curious. I told him about whom I met. And then my brother told me that he was my senior and his batch mate. I was stunned and shocked and curios to know more about him. I told my brother how we connected over things and had a long talk on the very first meeting. I told him that I wanted to be his friend. My brother was his friend so our hanging out became more frequent. Soon we were very good friends.

We used to talk a lot, in college, at home till late night. I used to share everything with him. It was like the first stage of a growing relationship when you start knowing someone closely and some initial judgments are made about that person. It was like the stage when you want to know more and more and nothing that you get to know seems enough. It was like that one fling you have in an instant and that sets your heartbeat going. It was like a click that had set into motion the process of discovery between us and we started spending more and more time together to discover more. When I used to meet him every day in the morning, it always felt even better than the first breath of the fresh air that touched my face. We used to talk and the commonalities in the talks made the communications longer and more effective. We started eating together during the break times. He used to accompany me from my house to the college and then to my way back home. I started feeling like it was into my routine and if someday he wasn’t there I used to feel very lonely. The foundation of our friendship kept on becoming stronger with every step that we took towards knowing each other. The bond intensified, the boundaries between us got lowered with time and he and I became frank in talking every little thing that came to mind, no matter how odd it was. We never felt any sense of weirdness talking to each other. This was the level of comfort that had developed between us. Soon I was like an open book to him. I used to freely exchange my feelings to him.  He was like the fresh rain drop to me that can make me feel refreshed all of a sudden and take away every sickness and worry just by a little touch of my face. I felt connected to him and he was the one who brought the best out of me. He was like that leg of my table and the steps to my ladder.

We used to sit on the college bench for hours talking to each other about us and it was that one day when he promised me that he would always be there and he is going to stay for a lifetime with me. Everything seemed so beautiful to me that day. I was so happy and my life began revolving around him.

 I once told him how I felt about ragging. He was curious on completing my wish for ragging so we gathered in the college cafeteria and he took my intro and asked me to do a task. I was so excited. He asked me to climb on the college water tank and sit there and shout my name. it was tough but I was excited. To my surprise when I started climbing I saw him coming after me. It was already dark yet we kept on going up till we reached the top of the water tank. We sat there and I felt like I was on the top of the whole world. We kept on sitting there for the whole night talking about stuff. I didn’t realize the time go by along with him and unknowingly forgot to call my brother. My brother had to make an excuse to my mother that I slept at a friend's house when my mother asked about me. He called me and I told him where I was. My brother scolded him a lot that he should have taken care of me and brought me back home on time. But besides all this, I was having a really good time and it was wonderful seeing the sunrise from such an height. In the morning we came down and went to the college gate for having tea. It was a cool morning and the warm tea was like icing on the cake. The whole year went like this and we enjoyed our times. We planned many small trips together and my first year became the best time of my life. He was all I had after my brother who taught me things, was much more like my brother. I loved him somewhere inside from all my heart but could never express to him. I cared for him in my own little silly ways and he used to like it. We had our little small surprises and moments. In some ways I had become very fond of him. I used to share everything with him.

Life went on happily and in a flash came that one day when he left me without telling me anything. He just shoved me out of his life like a used bud and all in one moment I was left with nothing in my life. All I had was his memories and that one memory of his leaving me. He left and the rest three years of my college were the worst of my life. I was all broken down. My brother saw me breaking down. He tried hard to help me get over from his friendship and his memories but he had already left the strongest mark on me and no matter how hard I tried to forget him, I kept on missing him more and more. Days passed by and my interest in studies became lesser and lesser. My health deteriorated and my interest in life kept on decreasing rapidly. After he left it was the hardest time I ever had getting over him. We had this unbreakable bonding of friendship that he always claimed of making stronger and stronger with every passing day. After he left, there was not even one day when I didn’t ask myself the reason why he left.  I started living in the past where I could meet him, see him and talk to him. I started talking to his pictures, trying to match his humor and his jokes. I started eating beside him. I couldn’t accept the fact that he was  gone and vanished in thin air. No one knew where he went. Meanwhile my brother also went for his higher studies. I was all alone and my mother could never figure out how to help me because no matter whatever she said to me, I was never convinced that he was gone. Years passed and I started thinking that he never existed in my real life. It was all just an imagination and that he was never there. I started convincing myself that yes he never existed and started forgetting him. He had taught me living life always no matter what happens. But after he left I couldn’t use this in my own life. I convinced myself every day that he was never there but after every day came one night where his memories haunted me and didn’t let me sleep.  I was all down into him that I destroyed everything I had for everything I wanted to have. I had started living in that very little time and always wished of staying that way. I started wishing every day while I was with him that he always stays beside me, no matter whatever relation we had. I could be his wife, his friend or even his sister but all I wanted was to be with him. He had left a deep impression of his soul on mine and left me unguarded when always guarding me was one of his promises. I used to get haunted by the way he used to hug me in situations when I was sad, the ways he used to kiss on my forehead and tell me that everything would be fine and I would just blindly believe him, the way he used to hold my hands and tell me that he will always be there no matter what, the way we used to sit and look into each other's eyes and say nothing for hours, and the way he used to keep his hands on my head like a father protecting me from everything that tries some harm on me. I was haunted by everything that we ever did together. I had stopped going to college after he left because each and every spot of that college reminded me of him. My mother suggested to take some other courses to divert my mind. But I had realized that nothing in this world can help me take my mind off him. So I began trying to hate him. The everyday convincing that he never existed had stopped working now. So I now started convincing that he never cared enough for me and that is why he left like this. I started telling myself the same thing every day and soon the haunting reduced. Life was coming back on track and my brother was very happy when I told him this. These 5 years were the worst part of my life and I never wanted to live that life again. I thought I moved on and that he was out of my mind and my heart. But some portion of me always knew that he will stay there till the walls are beating and till there is blood in my veins. Some portion of me knew that he is never going to leave my mind and my heart. Though he could not fulfil all his promises but he would surely fulfil that one promise of staying inside my heart and my life always.

All this came back to me in flashes and I didn’t realize when I reached the station. It was all lonely there and no one was there except people sleeping on the footpaths.

I still wasn’t sure whether I was ready to face him and I was afraid of that life in which he left me. I was full of anger, yet again I was there going to meet him on just a phone call at three in the night. Shocking it is but love it was. I couldn’t stop myself. I entered the station and saw him sitting there. I could recognize him even from his back. He had changed a lot but. His health has reduced drastically. I walked slowly towards him so that he might not know until I reach him. It was silent there and so I had to take silent footsteps. I could see nothing but him and in between us, I could see all those memories of us playing together, laughing together, sitting on the tank, talking, smiling, eating. My eyes started raining badly and I couldn’t control myself. I decided to go back because I realized that I didn’t have the strength enough to go through everything again. I couldn’t go through all those tasteless days and horror nights that I spent without him. I was filled with a sudden anger of how he could leave me alone like that and I turned back to get my answers. I walked fast this time to reach him as fast as I could. As I reached him, he turned towards me and everything stopped as I saw him. He was real and I was broken again. All those years that I convinced myself of his not existing became false in a second. He is real, I said. And as soon as he turned towards me, I slapped him. I slapped him again, and again and again. I punched him as hard as I could. I was bursting out in tears when he just hugged me tightly. I was crying badly and beating him all together. He kept on holding me and kissing me on my shoulders. I felt so numb, words couldn’t come out of my mouth and I all I could do was just cry. In a moment I was just feeling like crying my eyes out and tell him how much I missed him. But then the anger came back again. I pushed him back hard and hit him again on his face. I shouted on him on how could he leave me like that. I kept on shouting and he was just looking at me silently holding my hands. He never left my hand after that moment. I kept on asking my questions of why did he go, why did he even come into my life if he had to leave me like that. He hugged me again and this time I couldn’t stop myself and I hugged him back so tightly that he said his first words to me "Arre pagli itna kass k pakdegi..chinta kyun krti hai ab nhi jaunga tujhe chod ke, maaf krde mujhe". I was crying badly and he took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. I was seeing down as I didn’t want to look into those eyes again that have made me suffer so much. He lifted my face and said "yar itni nafrat kregi to mei phr marr jaunga, tere liye to wapas aya hun aur tu hai ki meri taraf dekh he nhi rahi. Meine bahut preshan kia na tujhe. Maaf krde". I looked into his eyes and I fell in love with him again that very moment. I couldn’t say anything to him and hugged him. I kept on holding him like a small kid and I wanted to just keep on living that moment. I closed my eyes and kept on holding him. I was so afraid in that moment to open my eyes fearing that it would be a dream and he would disappear again when I wake up.  I couldn’t believe it was him in my arms after so many years of wait. I was busy living the moment when he kept on saying things in my ears. He said " tu itna pyar krti thi mjhse to kbhi bataya kyun nahi, mei aise chala gya tu phir bhi ek baar bulane pe chali aayi, pagli. Tu abhi bhi waisi he h. aur ye kya halat bana li hai. Tu ghar chal tujhe bhat daantunga. Abhay kahan h, usne tra khayal nhi rkha. Maarunga saale ko. Kya haal bana lia tune pagal mere bina apna. Aisa nhi krna chahiye tha mujhe haina. Tu bahut gussa hogi mjhse. Jawab chahiye hnge tujhe. " I kept on listening him and I kept on wishing that he never stops now. I saw in his eyes and he was crying. I couldn’t see him crying even now. Nothing had changed in me and all these years I had been fooling myself. I kissed his eyes and told him to come home. Instead of going home we went to the place where we started. We went to the shade where we met in our college. He didn’t leave my hand even for a second. I was so happy but also angry. I wanted to know why he came into my life to leave me like that and then come back all of a sudden. We sat there and for some time neither of us said anything. We kept on looking into each other's eyes like two crushed souls trying to mend each other's. Tears kept on coming from his eyes and I kept on wiping them. I couldn’t see him crying. There were times when I used to ask god to give all my happiness to him. After what he did to me, I kept on wishing the same. He laid down in my lap and facing upwards kept on seeing me with his flooded eyes. I was just trying to capture all of it into my eyes and my heart. I wanted to kiss him on his forehead like he used to do before. He told me that he went away because he had initial symptoms of leukemia and that if it was treated initially he could be alright. He told me that he was very afraid of dying without getting a chance to live with me. He went for several stages of treatments so that he could come back to me fine and live with me for the whole life. He told me how much he loved me and that he was very afraid to tell me all this because it would have killed me. So he left without telling me anything thinking that I would eventually be fine hating him for leaving like that. He told me that he never thought I would do all this to myself and that I would be waiting for him. He told me that when he called me he never expected me to come. I kept on listening him like an anxious student and all the words he spoke felt so convincing to me. I shouted at him for not telling me. I told him that I would have gone with him, be there for him and that he could have spent these 5 years also with me. He promised me that he would never leave me again. He told me that he loves me more than anything he has ever loved or cared for. I was so happy that I could not believe that all this was actually happening. All these wishes to love him all my life could now be complete.

We kept on talking till it was morning and suddenly my mother called me and I woke up. I couldn’t figure out what happened with me. I was in my room with all the walls covered in his pictures and I was still there on my bed and there was no sign of him. He has actually gone forever and that it will always be in my dreams that I will be able to hug him and kiss him. It would always be in my dreams that I would be able to talk to him. I cried so loudly that my mother got afraid and called my brother. I couldn’t live like this always in the hope that he will return and take me in his arms. My heart will always keep on searching for him but I would have to sleep forever to meet him in my dreams. Perhaps this is why he came into my life. I would always sleep to be with him.